Letters of Love Lost
by T.H.W
Summary: Many women would think me mad to leave you. I am the wife of the heir to the Malfoy fortune, the sole lover of the Dark Prince. I cannot cling to you any longer. I have killed so many for you, my love. But I shall try to redeem myself and turn the tide.


_**

* * *

**_

_**Now I will tell you what I've done for you.**_

_**Fifty-thousand tears I've cried.**_

_**Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you,**_

_**And you still won't hear me.**_

_**Going under**_

* * *

__

_My darling, this has come to the end. The end of all things. There are so many things I can stand; there are so many things that I **have** withstood, both of my own accord, but for your sake as well, my darling. I've gone through more than any witch in her right mind should have to, but then again, I took the burden knowingly upon myself, as you would quickly point out were I telling you this to your face. I intend to do just that, but I just need some time to collect myself, put together my thoughts._

_We've gone through so much. So much in so little time. Surviving school alone was a challenge. But we both made it through, despite the persistent attacks on your person. Remember? In our sixth year, I thought I'd never see you again. I thought I'd lost you. Just when you'd made your turn to the side of light, I thought I'd never see you again and all would be lost. Then by some blessing you were returned to me, but so changed, my darling. I couldn't truly understand it, so I explained it to my inquisitive mind that it was the stress, the pain that had been inflicted upon you during your capture. It would fade away in time. How wrong I was._

_You remained on the side of light for a time. Frankly, I'm surprised at how long you stayed. You and I both knew how you despised Harry Potter and his friends, as well as Albus Dumbledore. You said you did it for my sake. At first I believed it, but now I think it was for your own protection, which you needed, but it was still selfish, especially with the hurt you inflicted upon the side of light afterwards._

_Vain promises, my darling, vain promises, broken and splintered with evil intentions and honeyed words. You promised Dumbledore to deliver his message to those hiding from the darkness and you betrayed them both. And I could only stand idly by and watch. I was tied to you by that time, by the bonds of love and marriage. But such fragile bonds, when such a horrible thing is performed by a lover._

_I remember you coming into our room. It was a lovely room, despite the squalid quarters we lived in. You never were that fond of it. You preferred Malfoy wealth, pleasures and privilege to humble hovels. You loved it once, but for one night alone. It was that night you had told me that everything was going to be alright. Everything would be fine. Dumbledore was to see to our hiding in secrecy until the Dark Lord could be removed from power. You were glad of this, certainly, but the thought that your Father would be brought down and the Malfoy fortune would surely pass on to you hung joyfully at the back of your mind. You told me and we laughed and cried in each others arms, knowing it was the end of our struggles. How I wish it had lasted._

_You came into our room and sank down on our bed. You stared at the dirty, moth-eaten carpet for a time, then placed your head in your hands. I sank to my knees in front of you, begging you to tell me your worries. I could see the fear, the resentment, but at the same time, the resolve that rested deeply in your cold gray eyes. These wounds had been inflicted recently. I would never know how recently, until many years later, but I was not to know that night. You would not speak to me fully. You simply closed your eyes, trying to block out the world, and allowed your body to sink into my arms. But I didn't want to hold you a while later when you told me, when you said,_

_"I've turned. It's finished."_

_But I held you anyway. _

_I've always done this. I've held your hand despite any hardship, kissed your lips despite your torturous ways, caressed your skin despite the horrors residing in your eyes. I've been your loyal servant, but I can stand by no longer. I cannot. My heart cannot take it any longer. I shall lose my mind._

* * *

_**Don't want your hand this time,**_

_**I'll save myself.**_

_**Maybe I'll wake up for once**_

_**Not tormented daily, defeated by you**_

_**Just when I'd thought I'd reached the bottom.**_

_**I've died again.**_

_**I'm going under**_

_**Drowning in you.**_

_**I'm falling forever.**_

_**I've got to break through.**_

_**I'm going under.**_

_**Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies**_

_**So I don't know what's real and what's not**_

_**Always confusing the thoughts in my head**_

_**So I can't trust myself anymore.**_

* * *

**__**

_I've stood by and watched you, my darling, as you countered Dumbledore's forces at every turn, watched you and helped you. Yes, I admit it. It was I who placed the Imperius Curse on hundreds of Muggles, murdering them every time Dumbledore refused to give in to your commands. But I don't feel I've truly murdered them. I placed them under the Imperius Curse, as I said, and made them walk to their own deaths, be it off a cliff, or into an axe or in the depths of the sea. They murdered themselves at my prompting. But nevertheless I did it. I had a choice. I stood by **you**, my darling. I chose **you**. _

_Every time the Dark Lord wished something of you, you'd take me along. I was your rock, your fortress. You could not allow me to abandon you and I could not do it myself. I thought my love could conquer your hate, your despising of such a pathetic race of Muggles and those on the side of light. But it was never enough. I saw the gleam of sickening pleasure in your eyes whenever you met with the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters and discussed your plans for Dumbledore and his army. I should have known then that I had no real power over you._

_You even took me with you when you performed one of your biggest abominations: the melting of the mind of Ron Weasley. You knew his weakness. We both did. We both knew it and took advantage of it at the Dark Lord's command. You sent me to him. You knew that he still trusted me even if I was wedded to you. Ron didn't think I'd sink so low as to be controlled by you. Little did he know._

_Yes, my love, I did it. I convinced Ron that Harry Potter was trying to take his darling Hermione from behind his back. I planted that seed of doubt, of hate in his mind, then adapted his it to suit my needs. He knew nothing, save that Harry Potter had deceived him, betrayed him. He knew only what I wanted him to know. Yes, **I** did it. **I** whispered in his ear,_

_"Destroy them. Destroy them all."_

_Destroy them he did, to the best of his ability. Everyone who stood in his way was taken down. You always said I was best with charms and curses. This was one of my best. Ron never knew, never understood, at least not until the end and only after he'd destroyed several key players on the side of light, including Minerva McGonagall, Bill Weasley, Neville Longbottom and his own father. _

_By the time his darling Hermione figured it out, it was too late. The side of light was failing and Ron was about to destroy one of the few people he cared about: Harry Potter. Hermione figured out the solution to the memory charm I'd placed on him and reversed it. However, she didn't take into account that by doing this, Ron's mind would be like a stopper loosened in a bathtub. He remembered everything. Every memory trickled down into his consciousness. Every face of every witch, wizard and Muggle he'd killed and tortured. He remembered this, and destroyed himself in the presence of both Harry and Hermione. It was one of my best charms, but one of my most horrific deeds. All because I did as you wished, my darling._

_I can do that no longer. I cannot be your slave, nor the Dark Lord's. As much as I love you, I cannot refuse the cry in my heart. I belong with those of light. I've resided in the dark with you as long as I could, but Ron's death broke me. The knowledge that I did it, I did it for **you** was too much to take. _

_I'm not saying that this breaking away won't be easy. It will be the hardest thing I've ever done, to leave the shadows of darkness and return to the light. I know that I will be killed, possibly at your hands, but I would rather die at your hands than any of the Dark Lord's servants'. Their hands are soaked with the blood of innocents. Not that yours aren't, my love, but I still, even now, refuse to see the severity with which your hands are discolored. You're still my husband, my darling, my dark angel. But I can do this no longer._

_You've warped my mind so much, my darling. I can hardly think straight and knowledgeably anymore. Your creeds are imprinted in my head more indelibly than fingerprints, your love washing all the horror from them. I know you love me, and that is what keeps me with you, what makes me make excuses for the horrors that you've done. As long as I'm with you, I'll continue to kill and excuse it as an act of love. As long as I'm with you, I'll continue to give myself to you entirely, forsaking everything I love and believe in for you. You are the only one I love, nothing will change that. But our thoughts and beliefs are different. I've only molded them to please you, my darling. That and nothing more._

* * *

_**I've died again.**_

_**I'm going under.**_

_**Drowning in you.**_

_**I'm falling forever.**_

_**I've got to break through.**_

_**So go on and scream**_

_**Scream at me so far away.**_

_**I won't be broken again.**_

_**I've got to breathe, **_

_**I can't keep going under.**_

* * *

**__**

_You have no idea how much I love you at this moment. In fact, I love you with the same fiery intensity that I abhor your deeds. Each emotion is just as strong and just as intense as the other. But my love exceeds my hate. It always does. I can't help but love you. You're my husband, my lover, my friend, but also my god. I cannot place you on a pedestal any longer, for the Dark Lord stands with you as he does in all things and I cannot give him the sincere adoration I give to you. _

_I cannot have you. I've never truly had you. The Dark Lord was always with us, was always in the back of your mind no matter how happy you were with my mere presence or my kisses. He was with us in our bed, in our everyday life, in our greatest joys and sorrows. I can go on no longer. I cannot share you with him. I love only you, not him, nor will I ever. And so, I must leave you. I must go back to where I belong._

_Don't be too upset when I leave you, my darling. Though even as I say this, I know you'll be furious. Furious with my loss as a compatriot, a comrade in crime, and lastly, your lover. I always believed that I could make up for any void you felt. Now I know that I only helped to fill it. I was in your heart certainly, but I was in the company of murder, greed, jealousy and hate. Sometimes, I think you loved me better after a kill. I was a great assassin. How could I not be? I learned from the best, and you besides. _

_You may try to keep me with you by wooing me, by flattering me with praises of my effectiveness as a killer, of the satisfaction I have rendered to the Dark Lord for my deeds. My darling, I have not spent our married life trying to satisfy the Dark Lord. It was you, always you. _

_I know I cannot have you fully, that is why I must leave. I cannot share my only love with my only hate. I know the hate you will feel at my departure will be immense and horrific, and I will feel it, but it will never change my position. My leaving you does not imply a lack of passion or love for you. On the contrary, my passion and love for you is greater than what I felt on the day I married you. I still love you, will **always** love you, my darling, but we cannot be as long as you hold an idol so evil above me. _

_Many women would think me mad to leave you. I am the wife of the heir to the Malfoy fortune, the sole lover of the Dark Prince. I must be a fool, but I cannot cling to you any longer. I know that my identity will follow me no matter where I go: I, the warrior bride of the house of Malfoy. I have killed so many for you, my love, and those on the side of light may not be able to get over that. But I shall try. I shall try to redeem myself and turn the tide. _

_You told me once that power is nothing but a feeling; there are only those who take it up with all their hearts, and those who are too afraid to grasp it. I am grasping at power, my love, but it is with a terrible cost. You don't want me to take this power. You know you'll lose me, and I know this. But I must do what I must, another thing you have said often as you planned the slaughter of your victims. _

_I love you, my darling, so very, very much. More than you'll ever know. I hope I die at your hands, and yours alone, for I know that I shall die. But know that my love for you was greater than any power, than any fear or passion for evil you possessed, for it was **real**. Forgive me for what I'm about to do._

_I love you, Draco Malfoy, my husband, my love, my dark angel._

__

* * *

_**I've died again.**_

_**I'm going under.**_

_**Drowning in you.**_

_**I'm falling forever.**_

_**I've got to break through.**_

_**I'm going under.**_

* * *

**__**

_**Author's Note: **_Hope you all enjoyed this. . . it was really easy to write. . . .almost too easy and thus I thought it wasn't very good. I hope you think otherwise. I'm way too critical of my work to judge it fairly. :-) As for the woman in this story, the wife of Draco. . . that's your opinion. I like to write things about people that we don't hear about. Maybe they're someone in the shadows, or maybe someone just created out of nothing. Either way, it's your decision. As for myself, I based her off a character of my own from my story, "Harry Potter and the Master's Mirror" which is published here. So if you want to check that out, feel free. . . . Again, I hope you enjoyed this little endeavor of mine to expand the HP world in a little different way. :-)

Cheers!

T.H.W.


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